A Little Rambling

My heart aches tonight. I have some very definite ideas of what I want out of life.  I have goals and I get close to them, and then they are no longer in my control and that frustrates me to no end.  I don't like having no ability to work towards what I want.  Patience is not really the problem; it's helplessness that bothers me.  Some things in my life recently have taken drastic turns, and I am left waiting indefinitely with no guarantees of a positive outcome.  The question becomes, do I keep waiting?  For how long? I don't want to give up, because these are things I care deeply about.  They are dreams I've clutched tightly and woven ideas around and fallen in love with.  I committed.  I knew it would be difficult, and I said yes anyways.  It's worth the heartache and the struggle and the waiting. I want to give up.  I don't want to care.  I want to be fine without these hopes, carefree and casual.  I don't want...

The best thing that happened to me this week stemmed from the worst thing that happened this week. It's been a pretty rotten week. (It has had its high points - put an offer on a house at last!!) But mostly, it's been a week of pain and tears and worry. There's been a little ice cream eating, a lot of hot tea drinking, and a lot of feeling like I have a weight lodged in my middle that constricts my breath and keeps me from ever being really hungry. There's been a lot of prayers, several bouts of piano therapy, and many more hours of prayers. There's been letter writing, and curling up in my car surrounded by music. There's been sleeplessness and exhaustion. There's been an unshakeable feeling of anxiety. But there's been wonder, too. There's been a constant reminder of God's goodness and provision and faithfulness. There's been a strengthening of my dependence upon Him. There've been fresh reminders of His love and forgiveness,...

I believe in one true God, who created the world from nothing. ( Gen. 1:1 ; Neh. 9:6 ; Deut. 4:35 ) I believe in His Son, Jesus Christ, who became a man while maintaining His divinity, and He was crucified and rose again. ( I Cor. 15:3-5 ; Col. 1:15-16 , 2:9 ) I believe in the Holy Spirit, Who is given to all believers. ( Rom. 8:9-11 ; I Cor. 3:16 ; Eph. 1:13 ) I believe that these three make up the Godhead, one in will and purpose and divinity, and there is no other god. ( Matt. 28:19 ; John 10:30 , 16:13-15 ; Acts 20:28 ; I Pet. 1:2 ) I believe that God is righteous and loving, and these are not a contradiction. ( Psalm 19:9 ; Ezra 9:15 ; 1 John 4:8 ; 2 Cor. 5:21 ) I believe that the only way to eternal life is through the grace of Jesus Christ and His sacrifice on the cross. ( John 3:16 , 14:6 ) I believe that there is nothing man can do on his own to earn salvation. ( Eph. 2:8-9 ) I believe that the faith that saves will produce good works. ( James 2:14-17 ) I believe that the...

It doesn't matter what kind of mood I was in before, whether I was joyfully skipping through the day or meandering through the gloom and stress. I can be at church, in my car, or at a friend's house on the couch with a guitar. There could be a million things on my mind, but when it starts, it all fades away and my focus is changed. There are few songs that cut to my core and leave me in tears. Many lose that potency after the first several hearings, though occasionally an emotional memory can trigger a tight throat and burning eyes. Most of them involve soldiers and death, a dramatically depressing combination. But whenever I hear "The Stand," I always cry. I can make it most of the way through the song, but every time there comes a point when I am simply overwhelmed, and sound no longer comes out past the lump in my throat, and I stand there mutely, tears streaming down my cheeks. They are usually tears of joy; occasionally sorrow is mixed in, but it is quickly...

"Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude." (E.P. Powell) Ahhh, I am stuffed full of stuffing and other stuff. Well, I've never liked turkey or stuffing or green bean casserole or gravy or sweet potatoes. (I know, I know, how unAmerican!) I like the ham, the mashed potatoes, the cranberries, the rolls, and the relish tray. And this year, I decided I liked the martian goop, a green, creamy, marshmallow-y concoction of my cousin's husband's. I ate my plate piled high and did not have room for seconds, though I did manage to consume a small slice of Tollhouse cookie pie for dessert. When I got to David and Sarah's house, the first thing Abby asked me was if she could wear my boots. Having just entered the home, I told her after dinner she could. As soon as I finished eating, she reminded me of my promise and spent the rest of the evening clomping around in bo...

As I pulled up to school this morning, I saw a cute little dust devil off to the side of my car. While absentmindedly admiring the tricks that wind can play with the loose dirt that lies all over Arizona, I realized that it smelled funny...and that it was coming from under my hood. Oh dear. Turn car off, check engine, can't see anything now, run to class, call Daddy. Thanks be that today is Monday, when I am at school for many, many hours straight and don't have to go to work! Thanks also be to sisters who offer their cars, friends who offer their trucks, and friends who look under my hood and help me out. Extra thanks to daddies who come out to campus after work to dig around in engines in the dark and wait for the late tow truck while you go home and do homework. (that's you, Elisabeth, Shantel, Josh, and Daddy! You are all appreciated!) And another thanks that mom happens to be working out of state this week, so while my car sits as a lump in the driveway, I h...

I don't like making the big decisions, sometimes. Especially the ones of want vs. should. It's sometimes so hard to look past what will make me super happy right now to what is actually going to work out best for me in the end. Especially in the times when it's not a decision of right vs. wrong, where I can trust to the absolute truth I find in God to make the decision clear, if not easy. It's when neither choice is 'bad,' just one is probably better. I had to make that decision on my house this week, and I decided to withdraw my offer. We met with the inspector on Saturday morning to hear what he had to say. There were a couple major problems - like no a/c and no hot water - that were pretty big warning signs. I won't go into all the details here, but overall it just wasn't a very sound decision financially to go through with this particular house. After much prayer and consideration ( Philippians 4:6 ), I contacted my Realtor and cancelled my co...

I am not my mistakes. I am more than the hateful things you say about me. I am not your lies. I am not my guilt. I am more than my baggage. I am more than my pain. I am not controlled by my shame. I am not the girl you thought you knew. You look at me and see the past, the grime, the sin. You see my shame. You exploit my fear. You degrade me. You hold my guilt in my face and make me stare until I can't see through the tears. Christ looks on me with love. He does not see my sin - He has forgiven me. He has become my sin, that I might become His righteousness. He sees me as His pure, spotless bride. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me . He chose me. He wants me. It is His eyes that matter, not yours. I am God's. I am loved. I am paid for. I am free. I am pure and holy. I am forgiven.

It's amazing the variety of [obnoxious] noises my kitten can make. Good grief, Charlie Brown. But he's so gosh darn cute (even if he is a little bigger than in this picture now). So, I wrote my blog post yesterday while still in a bit of a post-food poisoning delirium. I had this great idea for the post on Monday, fell violently ill, slept through till Tuesday, and then decided to write. Unfortunately, the inability to hold food down and the extended bouts of delirious sleep kept me from fully expressing what I had planned - and of course, I can't remember half of it now. It was going to be much more fleshed out than that. Instead, I ended up using a lot of Bible verses and not a lot of my own content. Not that I'm complaining - God says things much better than I ever can. I was listening to one of my favorite soundtracks today ( Godspell , if you're curious) and was struck by a line that reminded me of some of what else I was going to say. It's actually ...

I feel like this ^ is the most common image to greet me every time I log onto Facebook. Everyone is having babies! EVERYone is having babies. I feel very left out by not being pregnant, not getting married, and not even having a boyfriend. Usually I can leave it at that and move on, knowing I'm only 22 and therefore have plenty of time, and I'm in no rush. I really do like the freedom in being single! Occasionally, though, it hits hard and I start my own little spiral of self-pity. I've been having this reoccurring dream for about the last month, in which I'm pregnant with a little baby girl named Hannah. They're startlingly realistic, and there have been times I've awoken fully convinced I am having a baby. Throughout the day I will find myself thinking of her, planning for her, and imagining her running up to me, or being scooped up onto her daddy's shoulders, or snuggling in my lap. It's quite surreal. I really want a baby. It's been this...

I'm into alliteration recently. Besides my own current penchant, however, if you continue reading there will be a little more explanation as to the abundance of E's in the title of this post. This whole weekend has been wonderful fun, which has kept me from blogging. As much as I would like to stick to the idea of blogging every day, real life is much more important than the internet facsimile, so I chose live interaction (and sleep). I had so much fun, though, that now the blog is going to run a little long just so I can share all my enjoyment with you! Luck you. Friday night I went and saw Judy: The Musical for two reasons. 1) my friend Rebecca was in the cast. 2) It was starring Paige O'Hara, the voice of Belle in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Belle is far and away my favorite Disney princess, so I couldn't pass it up. (3 reasons - it counts for concert attendance credit!) It appears that time changes things, so we listened to the Beauty and the Beast s...

Ohhhh it's so late! We had another massive rehearsal for Belshazzar's Feast , a beast of an atonal choral/symphonic work. And then I got talked in to going out for doughnuts with the boys. I'm working on putting together a group power point for a project due tomorrow and I'm sooooo tired! Verses. I don't know how to pick! So, as usual, here are several. One of my recently rediscovered favorites - because it so often applies - is Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Another that I turn to over and over is Phillipians 4:6-9 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is comme...

This is funny, this will be the second time this week I write about my goals. A friend wrote me a letter - real post! amazing! - and asked the same basic question. What is it I want to get out of life? I wonder if my answer today is the same as it was on Friday? My goals...hmm. I really want to go to Alaska. I also want to travel the world, but I'll settle for Alaska, Germany again, and Egypt. Preferably more though. Mostly Europe. I'd like to graduate college at some point. I want to go to heaven. I want to keep my friends around me for years and years and years. And more than just anything on earth, I want to get married to a wonderful man and have lots of kids. A huge percentage of my friends are married and most of those are on their way to being parents already. I admit, I'm rather jealous. I feel behind. I was handling it all very well for a while, then a couple weeks ago it started to hurt again. I'm doing better, but it's a goal I'd at least lik...

Had some awful dreams last night, playing on things in my past and some things certain people have said recently, twisting them, leaving me with an awful kind of guilt when I woke up this morning. I was driving to work praying and beating myself up and I turned on the radio, hoping for some song that would bring the words I needed to hear, and on came this song, starting right at the chorus. God knows exactly what we need to hear. "Forgiven" - Sanctus Real Well the past is playing with my head, and failure knocks me down again I’m reminded of the wrong that I have said and done And that devil just wont let me forget In this life I know what I’ve been But here in your arms, I know what I am- I’m forgiven I’m forgiven And I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been 'Cause I’m forgiven My mistakes are running through my mind and I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry ...