Day 28: Something That Stresses Me Out
A lot of things could answer this post. (ha! what's new?)
School stresses me out.
Boys stress me out.
Not being able to cross things off to-do lists because of factors outside my control stresses me out.
Dishes in the sink after dinner (or lunch on a day off) stress me out. They have to be done before I can relax. (caveat: this doesn't always seem to apply at my parents' home, a fact that bugs my mother no end, I'm sure)
Being lost while driving, especially in the dark, REALLY stresses me out. I get snappy and hot tempered and teary and I feel very bad for whoever is in the passenger seat trying to reassure me that the world is not ending.
Class piano threatening to postpone my graduation AND keep me from taking the one class I want to take is stressing me out, which is itself a derivative of another major stressor - playing the piano in front of people.
Seems like an odd fear for a piano teacher, or?
For some reason, whenever I am asked to play in front of anyone, I get absurdly nervous. My fingers shake and my mind goes blank and I begin to stutter excuses. I inevitably flub whatever I'm planning on playing and turn beet red in embarrassment.
This does not apply if I am just playing in the corner and people happen to stop to listen. It doesn't happen when I demonstrate songs for my students. It doesn't happen when I'm attacking a particularly difficult piece by myself.
But when a coworker stops by my studio, I flounder. Well, not so much when it's my boss, which is good. When a fellow music students says, here, play something! my mind empties of every memorized page and I stare helplessly, mumbling something about not being able to memorize my pieces. When I have an audition - like this coming Friday! - I suddenly lose all knowledge of scale fingerings and how to read inversions, and I mutter something about my focus being on accompanying.
I've been playing piano since I was 7. I am not a terrible pianist! I can sight read rather well, I'm a decent accompanist, and I adore the piano. I teach 30+ students a week, and do a fine job, if I'm allowed to say so. Piano, for me, is a love, hobby, profession, and skill. But as far as I can demonstrate, I am a bad pianist! I can never play a song perfectly with someone listening - this has been the case through every recital I've ever played. I don't know why, but it is becoming a huge insecurity and a major stress factor.
I'm mostly freaked out about my upcoming diagnostic exam. Second to that, I just found out the MIM wants me to be playing there sometime soon.
This is an awesome opportunity - and it scares the pants off me. I should be like dancing around delighted for a chance like that!
SIGH.
I don't like this post, why on earth do I want to write about and dwell on something that causes stress?!?
School stresses me out.
Boys stress me out.
Not being able to cross things off to-do lists because of factors outside my control stresses me out.
Dishes in the sink after dinner (or lunch on a day off) stress me out. They have to be done before I can relax. (caveat: this doesn't always seem to apply at my parents' home, a fact that bugs my mother no end, I'm sure)
Being lost while driving, especially in the dark, REALLY stresses me out. I get snappy and hot tempered and teary and I feel very bad for whoever is in the passenger seat trying to reassure me that the world is not ending.
Class piano threatening to postpone my graduation AND keep me from taking the one class I want to take is stressing me out, which is itself a derivative of another major stressor - playing the piano in front of people.
Seems like an odd fear for a piano teacher, or?
For some reason, whenever I am asked to play in front of anyone, I get absurdly nervous. My fingers shake and my mind goes blank and I begin to stutter excuses. I inevitably flub whatever I'm planning on playing and turn beet red in embarrassment.
This does not apply if I am just playing in the corner and people happen to stop to listen. It doesn't happen when I demonstrate songs for my students. It doesn't happen when I'm attacking a particularly difficult piece by myself.
But when a coworker stops by my studio, I flounder. Well, not so much when it's my boss, which is good. When a fellow music students says, here, play something! my mind empties of every memorized page and I stare helplessly, mumbling something about not being able to memorize my pieces. When I have an audition - like this coming Friday! - I suddenly lose all knowledge of scale fingerings and how to read inversions, and I mutter something about my focus being on accompanying.
I've been playing piano since I was 7. I am not a terrible pianist! I can sight read rather well, I'm a decent accompanist, and I adore the piano. I teach 30+ students a week, and do a fine job, if I'm allowed to say so. Piano, for me, is a love, hobby, profession, and skill. But as far as I can demonstrate, I am a bad pianist! I can never play a song perfectly with someone listening - this has been the case through every recital I've ever played. I don't know why, but it is becoming a huge insecurity and a major stress factor.
I'm mostly freaked out about my upcoming diagnostic exam. Second to that, I just found out the MIM wants me to be playing there sometime soon.
This is an awesome opportunity - and it scares the pants off me. I should be like dancing around delighted for a chance like that!
SIGH.
I don't like this post, why on earth do I want to write about and dwell on something that causes stress?!?
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